I still look for Duncan when I move from one room to another. I hear the little “click, click, click” of his toenails as he toddles across the wood floor. I think of him every time the leaves fall, expecting him to chase the light that dances between the shadows. I keep his little blue plaid collar with a spiffy bowtie on my dresser. I call our new dog–and sometimes call my son Daniel–“Duncan” when I’m in a hurry. I miss him.

I got Duncan for company and road trips, having been without a dog in the house for a few years. I had owned terriers before, but never a Scottish Terrier. While he was typical of the terrier breed, he was a Scottie, which gave him unique attributes, like not wanting his feet touched. He would yip and howl in holy terror at nail clipping time. He was a detached little fellow who did not need to be in my lap. In fact, I think he preferred to lie quietly at my feet. I discovered his staunch independence the day I brought him home. He was 10 weeks old, and I took him outside to the big front yard to start working on toilet training. I am used to puppies who want to be right with you–underfoot. Scottish Terriers have old people personalities even as puppies. I looked away from him for a minute to speak to a neighbor, and when I turned around, he was gone.

I looked all over for him–up and down the street, all sides of the house, under the porch, under the car. By this time my neighbor, who had returned to her porch, could see I was getting frantic. I yelled across our yards, “I just got him, and now he’s gone!” My neighbor had four kids, who all had friends, and who were all out in her driveway on bikes. She gave them marching orders: “Get on your bikes and look for the puppy.” And off they peddled, circling the block. It reminded me of communities coming together in movies, you know, like you don’t often see in real life. None of them had Duncan with them when they came back together.

It was then the next-door neighbor on the other side yelled to me from his back porch. “I see something little and dark. Is that him?” To this day, I don’t know how he had seen Duncan. I trudged to the pine tree he was pointing at in the far back of my wooded, sloped lot. There, under the tree in a patch of knee-high weeds sat Duncan. He was calm and stoic looking, peering through the fence toward the woods like Ferdinand the Bull in the story. This was the first of his sojourns, each one scaring me worse than the ones before.

When he was a young dog, he could escape from the average fence by burrowing under it. Terriers–from the French word “terre,” which means earth–were bred to “go to ground.” His favorite escape was to the woods to sniff for critters. Once, he cornered an especially slow squirrel and did not know what to do with it; fortunately for everyone but the squirrel, it died sitting there before Duncan could acquire the taste for blood. Usually, he headed off in the same direction–toward the woods–and the same neighbor would report a sighting after Sarah and I had been driving around the neighborhood for half an hour.

One Sunday we came home from church to discover that not only had one of the kids left the gate open, but I had rushed out of the house (typical Sunday) without remembering to bring Duncan inside from his morning potty. Animal control had left a yellow note on the front door telling us when and where to come to bail him out. The one crabby neighbor in the neighborhood had called them. She had been afraid of a Scottish Terrier who was sniffing the ground and heading away from her house. We rushed to the pound, where one of the volunteers brought him out, jauntily jogging and smiling as he met us. The volunteer was happy with him, but not with us. She frowned as she took the opportunity to chastise us and issue warnings about consequences if it happened again. It didn’t. After that escape, we reinforced the bottom of the chain link fence with chicken wire, which I’m sure did not increase our property value.

He lived longer than the typical 10-year lifespan of a Scottie. One day I suddenly realized he was approaching 13, and I knew then he was living on borrowed time. He was noticeably slowing down, asking to be pulled in the wagon as we explored local trails. I had never been able to train myself to be a good leash walker (note how I said train me, not him). Duncan tugged and ran ahead until he found the perfect patch of ground, where he would have sniffed every blade of grass if I had let him. I couldn’t take him on brisk walks with cardio benefits because he would take three steps, stop to sniff, repeat. Now that he was a senior, we went on short walks with fewer stops and tugs. He reverted to peeing in the house on corners of the furniture when he got up for his nightly midnight drink. We began to crate him at night.

In the spring of his thirteenth year, he started throwing up. He was still eating and drinking, behaviors that I knew usually slowed and stopped at the end of life. I did not think we were there yet. The vet gave us a prescription for pancreatitis and told us to bring him back in a couple of weeks if the vomiting continued. After a few days, it got better…until it started again. The first night he threw up in his crate, we held our breath hoping it was a fluke. The second night we planned to take him to the vet for a re-check on the pancreatitis. Our wonderful vet gave us the dreadful news. “The pancreatitis is fine,” he said. “It’s these lumps I’m worried about. Let’s get him a scan.” The results showed golf ball-sized tumors in his abdomen. That was the first time I cried at the vet’s office.

Being the thoughtful person that she is, and to bring me out of my sadness to focus on what was really important during all of this, Sarah began to plan Duncan’s “bucket list.” At first, I just went along. But then I started to understand; it was really our bucket list–mine and his, together. We loaded up the little red wagon we had bought to cart the old man around and went camping. It makes me happy to think of him sitting in the middle of the campsite in that little wagon. We hit the trails and took road trips. He got a pup cup from the local ice cream shop. The only item on the list we did not get to was taking a trip to Alabama so that my folks could see him again. My sweet mother proudly reminds me that it was she who house trained Duncan when he stayed with them for a couple of weeks. She misses him, too.

The end came soon after. In three weeks, his belly was hard and swollen, and he began panting through the night. He was dying. I held him in my arms as we went into the veterinary room, held him when the kind vet administered the first shot, the one that sent him into a deep, peaceful sleep. But I could not bear the final shot. When I broke down and collapsed in the chair, Sarah petted and soothed him for the last time. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and it broke me. I am crying now as I remember, and it is only now, months after, that I can bear to write about it. I still cannot look at the rosewood box with his ashes; Sarah has put it away for now.

I don’t use the word “pet” when I can help it now. I don’t use the language of ownership anymore. I have done so here to reflect the lessons learned from my Duncan. He was my friend. A stalwart sentry, he was a proud dog who carried himself with dignity. Even during his last months, he never slouched or walked with his head down. Each step was deliberate and graceful, almost tiptoeing. He had the presence of a little gentleman. Duncan was lovingly stubborn until the end, tilting his head and gently pulling on his leash if he was not yet ready to continue our stroll. When he was groomed in that standard “show dog” cut, his brindle patterns were tiger-colored, swirling around on his back and neck like a chocolate and caramel brownie. He was magnificent.

Duncan has helped me navigate the passing of time, which is the gift from him I appreciate most. Life is short; if you want to see how short, reflect on the lifespan of a beloved furry companion. I grieved his death more deeply than I ever have before, with my immediate family still living. I am forced to prepare for inevitable loss of parents and the sad yearning of looking into the void where they once were. I picture Duncan looking at me and tilting his head, like when he was listening to me. “Yes, it’s indescribably hard,” he seems to think. “Just keep your nose down and keep tracking.” On days I work from home, I look at the sunbeams on the rug and think about how he used to sit and stare at the beams, expecting to catch one at any minute, his whole body alert and quivering, his tail wagging in anticipation. And after all, that’s life, isn’t it? Head down, keep tracking, and always look for that sunbeam you’re about to catch. Thank you, friend.

A final note, throughout the essay, I have referred to “we,” plural. In reality, Sarah provided Duncan’s end-of-life care and doctor visits. Reading this, she jokes about the so-called loyalty of Scotties, since when she entered my life, he adopted her as his person. He sat in her lap and asked for pets the day he met her–and continued to do so for the next 10 years. She reminds me that Duncan was in fact affectionate with her, if not so much with me. She was the only human whom he would allow to touch his feet. She made me the lovely Scottie bookmark in the picture, and I thank her for caring for us both.